No Contact After An Affair

Tuesday, February 21st, 2012 at 10:34 am  
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No Contact After An Affair

I have been getting a lot of emails about having a wayward spouse still be in contact with the other person. This can be devastating to a betrayed spouse. Can you save a marriage that still has ongoing contact with the other person? This situation is usually where they work together so unless they quit their jobs, contact with the other person is unavoidable.

There really isn’t any easy answer to this question. Most of the time, the betrayed spouse has to do some deep thinking and soul searching for their right answer. You have to really evaluate your situation and make a decision that is best for you. No one but you can really tell you what to do.

We all know the three things needed to heal a marriage after infidelity.

1. No contact with the other person
2. Getting honest answers to your questions
3. Talking through the entire thing

It is really up to the betrayed spouse in how flexible they are willing to be. These three things may not happen all at once and it’s up to the betrayed spouse in how long they are willing to wait for each to happen.

You must also understand that for the betrayed spouse to get what they want they may just have to do things they really don’t want to do. This could be any number of things even separating until you have your desired outcome.

Since the betrayed spouse is the one that has to deal with any consequences, then it is entirely up to them in what decisions they make in their desire for their wayward spouse to have no contact with the other person.

When there has been infidelity in the marriage, then for that marriage to heal it needs to be covered. Just like we cover serious wounds so they can heal, so must we cover our marriages. Ongoing contact with the other person is like reopening the wound for both spouses’. For the betrayed spouse will have a hard time trusting the wayward spouse and the wayward spouse is often tempted to reach out to the to the other person for comfort because there is so much pain in the marriage.

Ongoing contact with the other person can cause confusion in the wayward spouse about their love for their spouse and can cause the healing of the marriage to slow down or even go backwards.

If you are struggling with your spouse having ongoing contact with the other person you should seek out help. This is not something that you should be going through alone. It’s hard to think rationally when your emotions are all over the map. If you would like someone to talk to, please feel free to contact me.

How Could They Do This To Me?

Tuesday, February 7th, 2012 at 1:19 pm  
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How Could They Do This To Me?

The problem with thinking that they did this “to you” is that it implies intent which usually is not there. Usually, someone doesn’t wake up and think to themselves, “How can I really hurt my spouse today? I know, I’ll have an affair.” This rarely ever happens, instead they most likely are engaging in behaviors that ignite affairs though they seem so innocent at first. Usually they cross a boundary that they couldn’t see until it was too late. They usually feel they are “helping” the other person and that they are “just friends” and that they know how to handle it. Before they know it, they are caught up in an affair and sometimes are usually shocked to find themselves there.

My husband told me that he couldn’t believe he was caught up in an affair. He swore he would never do that and that he wasn’t that type of person and there he was in an affair wondering how the heck he got there. Many of today’s affairs start on Facebook or at work with one person expressing care toward another person. What many just don’t understand is that an affair begins way before the affair starts. It’s so important to learn that saying “no” has to happen at the beginning of a relationship. Most people really believe that they can maintain a “just friends” cross-gender relationships. But we all have to learn that friendships of with the opposite sex that exclude our spouse’s are very dangerous and really should never happen.

The unfaithful spouse doesn’t just lie to their spouse’s, but they also lie to themselves. They actually believe that no one is going to get hurt, that no one is going to find out and that what they are doing is not wrong, that they can be friends with the other person and that nothing will happen to them. They behave a lot like those addicted to drugs and alcohol. They must detox before they can even begin to make much sense. The thrill of having forbidden sex is very much like a drug. The flattery and the pleasurable physical sensations feel good to them.

We all know that it is very hard to resist temptation, and that is what an affair is. We begin to lie to ourselves in order to give ourselves the permission needed to move forward. Have you ever tried to diet, making the commitment to yourself that you wouldn’t go off your diet and fully meaning to keep that promise? Then later you find yourself saying that just one little bite isn’t going to hurt anything you will just exercise more the next day. Now I know that an affair is in no way a comparison of having an affair but the thinking is about the same.

The big hurdle in trying to understand why our spouse’s had the affair is that we are trying to explain irrational behavior with rational thinking. You just can’t do that because those caught up in the affair are just, in my opinion, mentally screwed up! Just because your spouse had an affair doesn’t mean that they didn’t love you, it just means they lost all common sense and didn’t know how to get it back. They are caught up in the “affair fog” and it takes being in complete No Contact with the other person at least six weeks for the fog to finally lift and for them to start thinking more clearly.

If you would like help in your current situation, please contact me. I have been there and I would be glad to help!

What is “affair fog”anyway?

Tuesday, November 1st, 2011 at 6:00 am  
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What is “affair fog” anyway?

   

   

This term is used by both experts and affair victims. It describes the euphoria that one feels when they are involved in an affair. Remember how it felt when you first fell in love? During this time, the one having an affair will rationalize their actions so that they can minimize their guilt. They will even take it so far as to “invent” reasons why they are having an affair to begin with. Healing the marriage is impossible while they are in this fog.

The one having an affair will convince themselves that they’re in a bad marriage and/or that their spouse never really loved or understood them, when in reality this is far from the truth. Soon, the one having an affair will begin to actually believe the lies they are telling themselves so they then begin to act accordingly by treating their spouse very badly yet treating their affair partner in an affectionate and loving way. This is exactly how to addiction of affairs starts to take off.

The “Affair Fog” is really nothing more than a fantasy which is created by both of the affair partners. They see each other without flaws or weaknesses. The ones caught up in the affair are under the same influence as an addictive drug that is similar to a teenager in love. The bad news is that is it extremely hard to remove someone from this fog.

Many times when betrayed spouse’s find their spouse’s caught up in this “fog” they are unable to understand what their spouses are going through. They believe that their spouse has logically thought everything through and that they have found their perfect partner in their affair partner. I remember wondering why, all of a sudden, my husband was treating me SO badly. He was mean and nasty and acting like he couldn’t stand to even be around me and I was clueless as to why he was treating me this way.

I have since learned a lot about the “affair fog” and infatuation that now I can look at affairs more realistically. When I see others caught up in affairs that they are not thinking clearly and they are in no way acting in ways that one would consider rational. I can now see how an affair can turn any man who always puts his family first, into a person that only thinks of himself with no regard of the pain and devastation that he is causing.

Talking with those caught up in affairs, I see how little concern they have for the distress they are causing their families. They continually try to justify their actions. They surround themselves with other people who support their decision and who feel their affair partner is perfect for them. Those in the affair usually go around telling other people all of their affair partners redeeming qualities.

Until the “affair fog” and addiction are gone, healing from infidelity cannot begin. This fog usually won’t lift until 6 weeks have passed since they have had any sort of contact with the other person. That includes; seeing them, getting an email or text from them, speaking with them on the phone, etc. That is why it is so important to change jobs if they affair happened in the work place.

Separation Doesn’t Have to Mean Hopelessness

Tuesday, October 18th, 2011 at 5:55 am  
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Separation Doesn’t Have to Mean Hopelessness

Who stood up for me against the wicked? Who took my side against evil workers? If God hadn’t been there for me, I never would have made it. The minute I said, “I’m slipping, I’m falling,” your love, God, took hold and held me fast. When I was upset and beside myself, you calmed me down and cheered me up.
Psalm 94:16-19 (MSG)

   

If you and your spouse are separated right now this in no way means that it’s over! It’s never over till it’s over! A marriage is never over until divorce papers are signed. Many places require 6 months to 1 year of separation before this can even happen. This is the time for you to fight for your marriage, not to fight against your spouse, but against the evil that is trying to destroy your life and your marriage.

I sought the LORD, and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears.
Psalm 34:4 (ESV)

   

If you are separated right now, then I am sure you’re experiencing a wide range of emotions, from love to hate, relief to pain, and from anger to concern. Being separated, especially if it’s not of your choosing, can be emotionally draining and can cause a sense of hopelessness. Always remember that there is no such thing as an “easy button” solution for your situation.

Never assume that your separation will lead to divorce. Your marriage can just as easily lead to a happier, stronger and more fulfilling one than you ever thought possible. It is very possible that your separation will lead to restoration, and the pain you are in now can is like labor pains which give birth to a new life. Where your separation will lead you is going to depend of what you both do, say, think and believe over the coming days, weeks and even months. These words, these thoughts, and these actions will determine the quality of your future life.

Know that God is probably more concerned than you are about the outcome of your separation. During your separation, you need to be leaning on Him more than ever. All you have to do is ask for His help and He will give it to you. Right now, more than ever, you need to be with others that believe in God and receive their encouragement. You need to keep your focus on God instead of your situation, or else you will sink just as surely as Peter did when he walked on the water toward Jesus.

If you are separated right now and need support during this hard time, you may want to consider coming to our Thursday night separation support calls. On these calls you will be with others that are going through the same thing you are. They can offer advice and comfort because they have been right where you are. For more information please see our Membership Page.

Soul Mates and Emotional Affairs

Thursday, September 8th, 2011 at 6:00 am  
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“People with integrity walk safely, but those who follow crooked paths will slip and fall.”
(Proverbs 10:9, NLT)

Last year I had a Christian woman tell me she found her “soul mate.” I was more than intrigued since I knew she’d been married over 20 years. There were warning bells going off and I felt my stomach drop as she told me her story. I knew she was falling into an emotional affair and she was heading down a very slippery slope that never has a happy ending.

Her church hired a new choir director and, as all affairs do, it started out very innocently. He would compliment her on her voice, giving her praise and attention every practice. His words stirred up feelings inside her of loneliness and longing for affection. Feelings she didn’t even realize she had. If she’d only realized she was feeling lonely and ignored by her husband she could have talked with him about her feelings. But instead of turning to her husband, she turned to the new choir director.

She started staying behind after everyone left so she could talk with him. Over these “chats” he told her his marriage was not doing well and she in turn did the same. Before either of them realized it, feelings of attraction started stirring in their hearts. She told me how much she enjoyed their chats, that he understood her and that they had a “real” connection. She then told me she just knew he was meant to be her true “soul mate.”

This “soul mate” idea can do a lot of damage. When you pledge yourself before God to someone in marriage, you become soul mates.

“A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together.”
(Mark 10:7-9, NLT)

Christians seem more likely to get mixed up in emotional affairs. They feel it isn’t sin if there’s no touching involved. An affair is not defined by whether you have sex with the other person, but rather the secrecy involved and the fact that a spouse is being betrayed. Think about it, would you be hurt if your spouse had a “secret friend” that he or she shared their deepest secrets with that you knew nothing about?

Years ago, I remember a woman that started an emotional affair with another man she felt she had more in common with than her own husband. I guess the children they shared didn’t count. She became so entangled with this man that she left her husband for him. They didn’t last a year. Today she’s alone and the children are shuffled between both of them. Many times we find ourselves suffering from the “greener grass syndrome.”

We need to learn to be very honest with ourselves and God. Even thinking about and wanting to have an affair is sin.

“‘Don’t go to bed with another’s spouse.’ But don’t think you’ve preserved your virtue simply by staying out of bed. Your heart can be corrupted by lust even quicker than your body. Those leering looks you think nobody notices—they also corrupt.”
Matthew 5:28 (The Message)

Know this, an emotional affair is only the beginning of a physical affair.

This issue isn’t only for those who are married. I’ve known singles, both men and women, that struggled with falling for someone who’s married. We must all learn to guard our hearts against developing inappropriate friendships with the opposite sex. If you’re in a “friendship” with someone of the opposite sex that isn’t appropriate, I strongly urge you to end it now. You must stop feeding this addiction and run away from this sin. Do everything possible to make this happen including changing your email address, phone numbers and daily routines.

Always guard your heart and avoid inappropriate friendships with those of the opposite sex. Never speak of your marital problems or personal issues with someone of the opposite sex, save that for your same sex friends or a counselor. Have someone keep you accountable and ask how you are doing every now and then with your friendships. If you are married, take the time and effort to invest in your marriage and your true soul mate.


Today’s Prayer

Keep me strong so that I can do what I know is right. Help me keep my soul, body, heart and mind pure. Please convict me when I am straying off Your path. Teach me how I can have a stronger and happier marriage. In Jesus Name, Amen.


Related Resources

If you would like more devotionals just for the betrayed spouse, please visit Godly Whispers to purchase the book “Godly Whispers – A 90-Day Devotional To Help You Recover From Your Spouse’s Affair”


You will develop a deeper trust in God, who can control what you cannot. You will be able to get rid of all those “what if” worries as you get a continuing touch of God’s love and goodness. You will experience a strengthening of your self-worth in the face of all the betrayal.


Steps You Can Take:

Read what Jesus told a woman that was caught up in adultery in John 8:1-11

Use the “Love Dare” book to help you reinvest in your marriage.


Reflections:

Are you continually guarding your heart?

What is your current intimacy level in your marriage today?

What is your current intimacy level in your relationship with God?


Extra Bible Verses:

“Create in me a clean heart, O God. Renew a loyal spirit within me.” Psalm 51:10 (New Living Translation)

“Let us all come forward and draw near with true (honest and sincere) hearts in unqualified assurance and absolute conviction engendered by faith (by that leaning of the entire human personality on God in absolute trust and confidence in His power, wisdom, and goodness), having our hearts sprinkled and purified from a guilty (evil) conscience and our bodies cleansed with pure water.” Hebrews 10:22 (Amplified Bible)

When Forgiveness Seems Impossible

Monday, August 8th, 2011 at 5:45 am  
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When Forgiveness Seems Impossible

Infidelity in Marriage – Dealing with the other woman and learning to forgive

“And whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him and let it drop (leave it, let it go), in order that your Father Who is in heaven may also forgive you your [own] failings and shortcomings and let them drop.”
Mark 11:25 (Amplified Bible)

I found this online and just had to share this story with everyone. I hear many just like this one and it shows that true forgiveness really is possible through God.

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I stared at the e-mail in disbelief. Tears surfaced as I read, “I am so very sorry for all the hurts that we have caused you… To this day I have no idea how we could have made such a mess of things. I ask your forgiveness, even though I would never expect to get it…”

I didn’t think I would ever be able to forgive Debbie for the part she played in destroying my marriage. The memories of those hell-on-earth months remained open wounds for many years. For some reason, it was far more difficult for me to forgive Debbie than my ex-husband, Peter.

How could I forget that ominous phone call on my 41st birthday?
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Infidelity And Self-Esteem

Monday, June 27th, 2011 at 6:00 am  
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Infidelity And Self-Esteem

Body and soul, I am marvelously made!
Psalm 139:14 (The Message)

The actions of someone else never defines who we are and we never become less of a person because of the actions of our spouse’s. I get lots of emails stating how their self-esteem has taken a nose dive since finding out about their spouse’s affair. Mostly it’s women and many of them can’t help but think their husband’s are comparing them to the other woman every time they are being intimate. Many times the other woman was younger than them and had no children and they can’t help but think that their husband’s are comparing their older child bearing bodies to that of the other woman’s younger childless bodies.

I have been there! My husband’s other woman was the same age of me and she had 3 kids and I had 2 and we were the same height but I was at least 60 pounds heavier than she was. Even losing the weight didn’t make me feel any more likable or lovable. Women have shared with me that they have had plastic surgery trying to look and be better than the other woman and each of them felt the same way, that the surgery didn’t make them feel any more likable or lovable either.
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Infidelity In Marriage

Sunday, May 15th, 2011 at 8:26 am  
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Jesus looked hard at them and said, “No chance at all if you think you can pull it off yourself. Every chance in the world if you trust God to do it.”
Matthew 19:26 (The Message)


Healing infidelity in marriage is never easy and doing it alone is just about impossible. As the above verse says, on your own it is impossible but you have every chance in the world when you put all your trust in God. I believe this whole heartedly because for the first 3 1/2 years I tried to heal from my husbands affair alone. I didn’t get anywhere in those years. I found that I was full of bitterness, resentment and anger and that I was killing my marriage, not making it better. No matter what I did I couldn’t seem to let go of all those negative thoughts and feelings. I started hating who I was becoming and I knew if I didn’t change that I would end up divorced and miserable for the rest of my life.

When someone first finds out about the infidelity in marriage the devastation is usually mind boggling. Your body is in shock and your emotions are all over the place. This is the worst time for anyone to make any kind of life altering decisions. Many times people make decisions based on their emotions and then years later they deeply regret these decisions. During the first year after finding out about the affair you should refrain from making any kind of life altering decision. At this time it’s very hard to see yourself in a happy marriage again and you’re so full of hurt that you in turn make bad choices.
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Forgiving Infidelity

Tuesday, May 3rd, 2011 at 8:02 pm  
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“No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.”
Romans 8:37 (New Living Translation)


Forgiving infidelity? How is that even possible? How can I even fathom forgiving my husband for this cruel and horrible thing he did to me? Was it even possible to forgive such an act? I really could not wrap my brain around the fact that he actually had an affair with this woman for the past year and yet here he sat telling me about it and wanting to stay married. All I could think of was that if the situation was reversed he would be long gone but yet he expected me to forgive him and move on? I had no idea if I really could do that or if I even wanted to do that.

To tell you the truth, I didn’t even think about forgiving me for over 2 years. I was too devastated and in too much pain to just let him off the hook like that. You see at the time I felt that forgiving him meant I was saying that the affair was okay with me and that everything was now hunky dory with us. But it wasn’t okay with me and I knew it never would be okay with me so why would I forgive him when it was NOT okay? It took me a long time to realize that forgiving infidelity really had nothing to do with my husband but everything to do with me. Forgiving my husband in no way meant that what he did was okay with me, what it really meant was that I agreed to no longer bring up the affair in a mean way that is meant to hurt him. We could still discuss the affair, but forgiving meant I would no longer ever throw it back in his face.
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Christian Affair Is No Small Affair

Monday, December 6th, 2010 at 6:00 am  
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“Love does not rejoice at injustice and unrighteousness, but rejoices when right and truth prevail.”
1 Corinthians 13:6 (Amplified Bible)

It does happen, the Christian affair. Infidelity can touch even the most religious of households. When you pull away from God and your spouse then you are letting yourself be vulnerable to a Christian affair.

A while ago, I was with a woman and I watched her tears roll down her pretty face. A few months before I ever met her, her world seemed so perfect with a very loving husband and two great kids. Her life seemed so fun and full.
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